This letter is from a time I was contemplating suicide before the Lord pulled me out that fire.
Dear Family and Friends,
I know that it will hurt many of you-if not all, to be reading this letter. As it pains me to write my final farewells to all of you. I know that you may be wondering why, or if it was really that bad? I questioned myself many of times whether or not they have been that bad, and they have.
I have been spending all of my life apologizing for the things that have happened whether they were my fault or not. I have made excuses for abuse and internally normalized every act of injustice. I have allowed myself to live in a prison “mentally”. I have been unable to have and hold on to normal relationships with people. I am unable to trust others and their intentions. When I do allow myself to love I become too clingy, I get heartbroken, and suffer paranoia. So with love comes paranoia. When I share my deepest darkest secrets they share them with the world. If they get angry they persecute me with my own words. I have tried to reach out to many of you about the pain I truly felt inside. For the past four years I have lived in a bubble to escape reality, scared of life, meeting people and socializing, fear of speaking and telling the truth about many things, and to be disowned by those I adopted as my family.
I am sorry that you couldn’t understand what I was dealing with. Maybe you did not know how. I am sorry I was a terrible mother, sister, daughter, friend, and wife. I am writing this publicly because I want you to truly understand what was taken from me every time you read it. It’s not my emotions that have driven me thus far, it is everything it cost me that hurts and there is nothing that can replace it.