BEARING HIS SEED
I frantically race in the store. Basically running searching my eyes quickly shifting from left to right. Ah, there it is.
I walk up to the register just waiting for the suspense to be over. I get home and run to the bathroom Whoosh! Ahhhhh, relief of a full bladder. I peed in the cup dipped the stick for 20 seconds just as the box instructed. I’m so eager, maybe this time I get two lines. Lord please just this time. After 3 minutes and Boom Negative.
My heart drooped my mind not wanting to believe so. Maybe it’s too early just a false pregnancy. Maybe I’ll be one of those women who were even though they received a pregnancy test. I go online searching YouTube for early pregnancy signs and symptoms. Convincing myself I had all the symptoms and if not more.
There was a time I thought I felt kicks and movement. I had tricked my body into believing there was something there that wasn’t. At night I would cry myself to sleep fight myself to get out of bed wondering why I wasn’t chosen to carry his seed. What was so wrong with me that the Lord wouldn’t allow me to conceive. Then images of all the times we had sex and he pulled out. He made sure he got rid of every drop of semen. But then images flashed inside my head thinking about the unprotected sex he had with her. What was so special about her that he never pulled out?
Welp, I just figured it wasn’t meant for me. Maybe the life I wanted with a husband and to have his children or children someday just wasn’t what TMH had in store for me. I wanted it bad enough I could’ve sworn I felt something that never existed. My mind was just playing tricks on me.
Time passes… after believing I was so many times and wasn’t… I finally received the answer I wanted. I was pregnant… The only thing is I didn’t keep it.
I murdered my own baby. I got an abortion.