Stability? What is it? What does it mean when you say you just want to be stable? Saying you just want to be stable is saying you just want to survive. What about living? Living beyond survival. We are taught that we can not experience heaven until death when we meet our Creator and savior. But there is more than a life full of sorrow, surviving on minimum wage, living check to check, and addiction.
I use to believe that an education and having a good job made me a good person. A great citizen in society. For years I’ve said I’m in college. For years I’ve been in management but I’ve worked about 8 jobs in a year and a half.
I removed my head wrap and traded It for weave-that was tithes. I traded modest appeal for attention on social media. I traded my husband for temporary happiness.
My words were as sweet as honey. I was content with surviving. I was content with living here and there moving from place to place. Until I seen life began to pass me by and I was still in college, I was starting another job, I had a long distance marriage with someone who lived just a few minutes away.
See Christianity taught me to lie to myself and to believe my own lies. To never take responsibility for myself. I wore mask for different occasions. For every new person I met I was a different person. Eventually I became lost in a world wind of different personalities.
I was who I needed to be just until I had enough of what I needed to get by. Then I got it but there was still a level of unhappiness that my expectations could never meet.
Christianity taught me to look the best so I appeared to be the best. To be a professional deceiver. To buy things I couldn’t afford, to buy things that didn’t matter instead of pay bills, to quit jobs because I had it like that. When everything ran out I had a need. I wanted something-anything to fill the hole I had inside of me. So, I started abusing my husband, alcohol, and myself.
So I take a look back now that my sins have been laid out in front of me. The life I created is the world I have to now survive in. See at first surviving was a choice I made it wasn’t something that I had to do. Now judgement day is here. They say there is life after death but if you never die how can you be reincarnated so that you can live again.
I only survived, I never died. So I can’t tell you what living is…